February 2nd, 2005

Subject: Movin' On Home Time: 03:23 pm

Hey folks. I know, I know, it's been YEARS since you've heard a peep out of me. I think I've had this journal for far too long. It just isn't me anymore. So I'm moving to another one, hoping that'll give me a kick start to write myself again. I'd like to keep journalling. I'm obviously looking for something in it. So, the new journal is at: sunonthedaisies Add me if you like, especially those of you lovelies with the friends-only out there. I don't intend for my new journal to be friends only, but it might be at some point. Hopefully I'll see you kids on the flip side. So long, Miss Blue.

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November 27th, 2004

Current Music: Jim White, "10 miles to go on a 9 mile road" Subject: Only in San Diego? Time: 02:02 am Current Mood: thoughtful

So this evening turned out to be quite interesting, indeed. Armed with my father's Very Nice Car (which is always a spoiled treat to drive), my happy lobster t-shirt, and a few mixed CDs someone made me a little while ago, I set out on those old nostalgia highways. ( Part One: In which I visit old memories ) ( Part Two: In which I meet a Republican who voted for Nader )

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November 26th, 2004

Current Music: Batman Finale Subject: Whoa, long time since I last updated Time: 05:28 pm Current Mood: bored

God, it's only 5:30 and I'm already wondering what on earth I can do with my evening. This always happens. The "in between" times, when I really have nothing productive or interesting to keep my attention. The easiest options are watch movies and mindless television marathons, but I'd really rather not do that. (Admittedly, I am half-watching Batman Returns, but Catwoman is awesome, and it's the scene with all the penguins swarming the city...which is damn cool.) I think I'll take one of those long freeway drives I keep mooning about. So I actually missed my flight yesterday morning, after going to all that trouble. I mis-set my alarm, and luckily some moron called Rachel at 6:12. We had enough time to scramble into the car and rush me to the airport (for which I'm still profoundly thankful) so I could physically miss my flight by about four minutes. But no worries -- I hopped on the next flight, standby. But I must say, it was a surprisingly comforting thought when I realized, in the car at 6 AM, that this might well be my only Thanksgiving, this year. It was soothing. That was an awesome evening. But Thanksgiving itself was fine. My little cousin Brianna latched on to me, and I spent most of the evening chasing her around the house to rescue pieces of my mother's china she had picked up to play with. She also had me draw a "butterfly tree," the directions for which she gave in that little-girl-adorable-but-I-can't-understand-a-word-you're-saying speak. It turned out all right. Right, this is boring. Ah well. Don't worry. I'm sure I'll find something heartfelt and profound to say about my life's state by the end of this weekend -- being at home usually does that. But for now, I'm getting in the car. Maybe I'll send y'all a postcard from Mexico.

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October 29th, 2004

Current Music: Joss Stone, 'Fell in Love with a Boy" Time: 07:11 pm Current Mood: pensive

( lyrics )

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October 27th, 2004

Current Music: Massive Attack, "Exchange" Subject: On Political Watchfulness Time: 08:00 pm Current Mood: nervous

1) Sorry if this appears multiple times on your friendlist, but it's just too strange and disturbing to ignore: Big Brother is watching Livejournal (Link text stolen from exastra) My god. 2) In the two days I've used "Cat Stevens, where have you been all my life?" as my Away message, I have received no less than three replies saying something to the effect of: blaisini (5:32:20 PM): he's a terrorist Manda blaisini (5:32:28 PM): he hates freedom and puppies and Christmas blaisini (5:32:51 PM): I'm sorry but I'm going to have to report you to the government and aftertodayfalls: I don't know, but he's currently not allowed in your country of residence. Now, I remember reading that article on CNN a few weeks ago -- This is the guy who wrote Peace Train, people!! Amazing. November 2 almost can't come fast enough...

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October 25th, 2004

Current Music: Jim White, "Handcuffed to a Fence in Mississippi" Subject: What good is happiness if it's only a state of mind? I'll tell you what. Time: 02:00 pm Current Mood: happy

...Oh Jim White, where have you been all my life? You too, Cat Stevens. You've got some explaining to do. I wrote a quasi-poem today about sending smoke signals (to say hello to my friends) with my persimmon tree. Lately, I've found myself amazingly short of breath when I'm standing still, just looking at something. The sky as clouds throw themselves across it (yesterday, the giant stormheads were churning toward me so fast I was certain a spaceship would push through the clouds any second). Bright green pine needles. Those silly purple flowers in my front yard. The gold and green shadows of an oak tree in the middle of the night. Last evening, I sat and stared out my window for forty-five minutes and watched the air changed colors. I am an idealistic fool who's just seen American Beauty for the first time. I am a six-year-old who finds constant amazement with the world. I can't even remember how the word "orange" could ever begin to describe the color of the fruit of that persimmon tree. It feels like I took a bath in a light so blinding that everything glows afterwards. And it's still glowing. ...And there's no punchline for this! I'm being perfectly serious. Isn't that silly? Ridiculously, ridiculously silly?

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October 14th, 2004

Subject: I hate sections Time: 04:15 pm

I realised I had an 8:30 section this morning at exactly 7:55. By the grace of God, I woke up a little early, and had just enough time to throw on clothes and drive up to campus, arriving precisely on time. Of course, there were only three other people in the room at the time, smiting my haste. But it was not all in vain! A girl in my small group came in a few minutes after we had started... ...with a kitten in her sweater. A tiny, two-month old kitten with long cream-coloured fur, gray-tipped ears and tiny gray paws, and giant baby blue eyes. Within another five minutes, she was in my lap and was henceforth cuddled for the remainder of the class. I felt like I had been rewarded. But now I am in another section. Discussing political theory in a circle of desks. Dull, dull, dull political theory. And there are no kittens in this section. I feel betrayed. Where is my kitten, damn it? Also, the vending machine in the hallway was out of water. Betrayed!!

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October 11th, 2004

Current Music: Nick Drake, "Time Has Told Me" Subject: Silly, silly Santa Cruz Time: 10:41 pm Current Mood: relaxed

I saw a silly person today. She was short, around 5'3 or so, wearing a big cushy navy blue San Francisco Giants sweater, an itty bitty denim mini skirt, and giant Ugg snowboots -- usually, I don't mind the strange-but-comfortable-looking Ugg-obsesion, but these cookies were about calf-high, with a sheep's ass worth of fur around the tops. Abominable-snowman Ugg boots. And as I passed, all I could think of was "Honey, pick a season, it's 76 degrees outside, the Giants aren't even in the playoffs, and you're an idiot." In other news, I am Sorely Irritated by writers who make their sentences unnecessarily long, convoluted, and unhealthily enamored of their Microsoft Word thesaurus when writing their history books. Case in point: "Though they might attract many genuine idealists, though their cadres usually bore persecution with courage, and though they benefited from the irascible habit of many local regimes of labeling all opposition as communistic, these parties were often discredited by their "antinational" identification with Russia, the local ethnic minorities (popularly suspected as subversive), and atheism (especially damaging in the Roman Catholic countrs). They were also hampered by their often inappropriate and vacillating approaches to issues of territorial revisionism, to the agrarian question, and to the peasantry as a class - weakness that, in turn, flowed from their organizational, financial, and moral dependence on the Comintern." ...but that was a fun waste of five minutes.

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October 4th, 2004

Current Music: Blonde Redhead, "Misery is a Butterfly" Subject: Treading Water Time: 09:00 pm Current Mood: lonely

There is one significant problem with Santa Cruz, and that is that it's wildly impossible to just drive down to the beach and throw yourself in the ocean without giving up some level of sanity. ( Read more... )

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October 3rd, 2004

Current Music: Mates of State - Abercrombie Subject: A very silly evening Time: 11:13 am Current Mood: silly

( Cut to save myself the embarrassment of reading this every time I check my friends page... ) I also purchased a blue t-shirt with a child's drawing of a pink and blue creature. It is labelled "panda." I am sure this subtle connection to my life is not lost on you.

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September 25th, 2004

Current Music: Jack Johnson, Times Like These Subject: Take it Time: 09:40 am Current Mood: thoughtful

Two months ago, I drew a tarot card out of a fanciful deck of delightfully down-to-earth naked people, smiles, and colours. I drew a single card, just to see what it might show me. It was the Queen of Swords, a girl seated with one naked leg crossed over the other, and giant angel wings, sitting in a cloud of green and blue haze. In front of her, like it was laying on an invisible table, was a sword. I asked what the card meant, read from the booklet, and didn't receive all that much from a base description. The owner suggested looking at the card itself, to see what the picture might be saying to me. So I looked again, at the wings, at her body, her palms facing forward and arms lifted up. And the woman's face, slightly turned toward the hilt of the sword. Just slightly. And it occurred to me that all she would have to do is reach out a little bit, and take the sword. Just to take it. For whatever reason she wanted it. I see the card. I see the woman. And still, whenever I think of it, I can't help myself chanting, "Take it. Take it. Take it. You're almost there."

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September 8th, 2004

Current Music: Shiella Nichols, "Fallin for You" Subject: Ah, Oakland... Time: 08:43 am Current Mood: sleepy

The two best quotes from last night were, as follows: "Don't they know they're in Oakland? These people double as Raider's fans! People get killed at Raider's games!" - Lesley. There were an astonishing number of Red Sox fans in the Oakland stadium last night, and around the 8th inning, when the A's were getting the stuffing beaten out of them 6-1, the crowd got somewhat unruly with those that dare cheer for Boston. Truly, Boston fans, you should scope out your territory before you dress in red. And... "We need another stool sample, Mr. -- Not for more tests. You see, my robot needs food..." - Scrubs. If watching six straight episodes of scrubs on Kiel's computer is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

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September 4th, 2004

Current Music: Offspring, "Gone Away" Subject: Randomized Moments Time: 12:29 pm Current Mood: lazy

I had told myself that I owed it, to me, to my well-being and my person, to spend my evening at home. I was enjoying watching mindless television, surfing my IM windows and anticipating 80s movies, a weak screwdriver, and curling up with the latest Guy Gavriel Kay novel. Instead, I was convinced into attending a Van Halen "Tribute Band" concert in a biker bar in Ben Lomand. I consider this an experience worth breaking my own promises. It was something of a logger's shack, with Christmas lights and sports paraphenalia on the ceiling, one woman with poorly dyed hair who, wonderful woman, made me two very strong whiskey sours. The audience was more entertaining than the band, a combination of young bleached blonde sluts, aging hipsters with redneck tendencies, several rather odd-looking serial killer type men, two punk rockers, and yes, a few who I assumed to be bikers or construction men. There were many smiles to be had. Unfortunately, there were no black-leather-and-bad-ass-mustasche men sitting at the bar, but there was a sign that read "free biker breakfast!" so I assumed they were on the road by now, wherever they were. The band was pretty good, though very loud. It was an amusing sort of spectacle, again, more for the crowd than the music itself. My housemate, Paul, was particularly involved, and was coaxed up on the stage to sing a chorus or two. Stephanie and I were mostly content to have seen the band to say that we had. We have the same shoe size, and she wears the most adorable little heels from Bunny's that I now feel the need to borrow. This was the highlight - wearing a black bra under a white t-shirt, red shoes, my green jumper, the studded belt I used to live by in high school, and black eyeliner. What can I say, I enjoy dressing up. But I tell ya, it was an experience in itself, watching a forty-year-old man (who was a fourth grade teacher by day, I learned) undulate to his microphone stand in pleather pants, toss his wavy blonde locks over his head and sing like Eddie. Hair metal, it seems, still lives somewhere.

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September 3rd, 2004

Current Music: Jack Johnson, "It's All Understood" Time: 10:11 am Current Mood: discontent

I spend months lying to myself. Two full weeks of it, actually. Do I feel sorry for me, or do I feel sorry for him? Why? I misunderstand so much about myself. And I never give myself a chance to try to understand. It's easier just to go with it. It does make me happy. Delusions are almost always happy. But it doesn't make me right. I don't like the type of person I am becoming. I am hoping it's not to late to understand this. To change it. To make it right. To make me right. I don't think I'll ever really be right. I've asked this question three times this week, of myself, of someone else: "Do you think we'll find religion someday?" Penance and confessions. I love the idea of finding religion, finding a religion, finding your religion. Really, isn't the religion supposed to find you? Well, if I can, I'm going to make that confession. Edit to add Music lyric: "That fact and fiction work as a team." "And even if we don't understand, it's all understood." Thank you, Jack.

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September 2nd, 2004

Current Music: Jim White, "Ten Miles to Go on a 9 Mile Road" Time: 11:16 am Current Mood: amused

I don't think that I usually post lyrics, but I've been listening to this song nonstop, and it is officially the Best Song Ever. So all due pros go to uglyflower for sending it to me. ( No Children, The Mountain Goats )

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August 31st, 2004

Subject: So maybe it's not the end. Time: 11:04 pm

PUblic because who the fuck cares anymore ( Okay, Livejournal, you got me. )

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August 23rd, 2004

Time: 10:15 am Current Mood: sad

Never mind. We're done. I knew it when I got out of the car, that decisions made with hope in mind were not real, nor were they right. We have today to bum around Phoenix together, and two days to drive to Santa Cruz, and that'll be it. So, this is also the end of this journal. I need a fresh start. I don't know where to begin again, but I have to try somewhere. I'll let you all know where the new username is, if I bother to keep blogging.

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August 17th, 2004

Current Music: Lagaan sountrack Subject: Family History Time: 05:27 pm Current Mood: optimistic

I learned about my Grandfather yesterday. ( I wouldn't post it if I didn't find it interesting... ) Second order of news: Doug is coming back to the states early. Long story, involving some tragedy (but he's all right). I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'm looking forward to keeping my own life. Interesting combination. Looks like it might work out okay.

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August 16th, 2004

Time: 01:10 am Current Mood: confused

And inevitably, this happens. Between worlds, two times, you slip into the nostalgia so easily it's hard to remember the last three years happened. The two people in this life who truly know me are leaving. Everyone else is already gone. I sat in an In-N-Out burger with good old friends from high school tonight, but they speak their own language - one that I comprehend, but can't imitate. They're not allowed to tease me - it feels intimidating when they try. I get awkward, but we've done this before. We used to do this. Last night, over alcohol, I mentioned that I forgot sometimes that I really don't know them anymore. They thought this was harsh. I didn't mean it to be harsh, it was just the truth. We don't. I don't even know me. There are ants in the room that used to be my bedroom. I stay up all night when I'm home, sitting on the computer, or on the uncomfortable bed and staring at the wall. Wondering what the hell I'm doing awake and thinking about nothing, and why I can't just go to sleep and ignore it. Wonder what I'm waiting up for. Then I wake up early. I try to hope there's a reason to be awake? I don't want to come back to Santa Cruz. I don't want to stay here. This always happens. I should really be prepared for it by now.

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August 5th, 2004

Time: 10:35 am Current Mood: sarcastic

If I were ever judged, as my measure of a person - on scales of interesting and creative and beautiful - by the quality of my livejournal, I would probably be put down mercifully and humanely, for my own good. Because it's not good to have these mangy mutts with nothing to offer the community roaming about livejournal without identification tags, possibly carrying fleas or rabies. I believe we're getting into rabies season. Isn't the season for rabid dogs in August? Maybe not that drastic. All I'm saying is, my livejournal sucks. Which is pretty bad for the kid who wants to be a writer. Yeah right. What the hell am I doing, anyway. I should just go be a lawyer, or a campaign manager, a political analyst, a pundit, a skirt suit with a laptop and a pile of paperwork, and knowing I'm not at all cut out for the cutthroat nature required for life in a mass of corruption that can't be damned to do a single thing. No, no, I'd rather avoid the real world entirely. That's my best quality. I'm very, very good at avoiding reality. My livejournal sucks.

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